Confidence is a Skill
Early in my real estate career, I had a deal with the quintessential glad-handing old boy. We’ll call him Bill Cooper (not his real name). Bill came from the generation when real estate brokers were mainly white guys who named their brokerage after themselves. In this crowd, a wink, a nudge, and a handshake were all valid forms of communication. This guy never seemed to take me, a young woman, seriously, referring to me as ‘Hun’ on multiple occasions, much to my chagrin. I’ll never forget his dominant posture at the closing table: leaning back in his chair, hands folded behind his head, legs outstretched and crossed, then switching to leaning deeply over the table, hands clasped, not paying respectful attention to anything, especially me. Meanwhile, I was so incredibly nervous and trying to make sure I did everything right, and I was offended by his cavalier attitude.
Fast forward a bunch of years, and now I’m working under a manager for whom I have deep respect. While raising three wild sons on her own, she has led our company from having zero presence in our market to now where we are closing in on the top spot for market share. Of course, none of us does anything great without a little bit of help. She told me a story about when her boys were going through a particularly rambunctious phase, there was a kind neighbor who would take it upon himself to back her up when the boys needed an honorable male figure to look up to, or to offer even something as simple as a ride to school. The conversation continues and she eventually says, ‘You may know him, actually. He’s also a broker–Bill Cooper?’
CAN’T BE. This cannot be the same pompous ass, I think. But it is!
Not too long after this, I ran into Bill at an industry event. This was probably five years since our last interaction, and I had learned a thing or two about making meaningful connections with people. To my surprise, Bill remembered me, and when we shook hands, he gave me a warm smile. I asked him about business and life and how everything is going, and we had a downright enjoyable conversation. The man had completely transformed–but had he? He still wasn’t necessarily embracing new trends and technologies, but it didn’t seem to bother him. And I realized he never seemed to know what to do with his hands, so he fidgeted through the whole conversation, but this time it registered more like ADHD to me, something that never crossed my mind the last time we met. We part ways, and I realize Bill Cooper is one of the gentlest, kindest guys out there, and he always was. It wasn’t he who changed–it was me!
So how can you harness the confidence to face people who intimidate, annoy, or bore you? Try the Humanizer Exercise:
THE HUMANIZER EXERCISE
Who rubs you so hard the wrong way? Could be a colleague, maybe the worst client you’ve ever had, someone you recently came across in your daily life, even someone in your family. We’re going to do a little research project. Most of this information you can divine from their social media:
When is their birthday?
What is their middle (or maiden name)?
Where did they go to high school?
What is their occupation (or, if they’re an agent, what did they do before real estate)?
Do they have pets?
What is their marital status?
Are they a parent?
I know this sounds a little bit like we’re planning to steal their identity, and it’s a little disturbing how easy it is to find all this info… But there’s a nobler purpose to it.
When someone irritates us, our brains do weird things. Our amygdala registers the source and immediately sets us on a path to destroy or avoid, fight or flight. We oversimplify the source of the threat; your amygdala does not have any use for information like what’s their favorite color. In fact, it registers that it is trying to protect you from a meteor or a crocodile that’s trying to end you and that’s all the information it needs.
But the reality of our evolved existence is that this person is unlikely to actually murder us, so the fight or flight response is inappropriate. A modern day survival strategy would be to minimize friction between people, so you can get your job done. So until our primitive brain catches up with our modern existence, we have to intentionally engage our more evolved brain, and this exercise will help you do that.
By learning that this person has a birthday and a middle name, you log in your consciousness that this person was at one time an actual infant, a miracle, a pure sweet little being. By learning where this person went to high school (just like you did) you start to find a commonality between the two of you, where once there was none. Even better if you get a pic of them: Were they a jock, a nerd, a creative….were they like you? Maybe you’re not as separate or different as you thought.
The next three questions speak to their ability and practice of giving and receiving love. If they are married, that means someone out there actually picked this person to spend the rest of their lives with (and is still sticking around), so there’s got to be some redeeming qualities buried in there somewhere. If they are a pet person, that’s an honest kind of love and connection that you have to respect. And if they are a parent, there is someone on this earth who thinks this guy hung the moon. Try to see this person through that child’s eyes.
Your primitive brain will resist this because it feels like concession and vulnerability. It’s harder to kill something that you can sympathize with. This is true, but we’re not trying to kill anything here. That would be counterproductive to the task at hand, which is to do business. It also makes it harder to run away from a thing, and that’s what makes this exercise work. When you feel connection, the ‘threat’ is no longer as scary, you become less defensive, calmer, and very much more thinking with your evolved brain which helps you make connections between the choice you make today and the impact you want tomorrow.